real life choose your own adventure: go to Disneyland and Hollywood with your sister and mom OR stay home to go to your friends Uranus themed birthday party and a bo burnham concert? I miss my friends birthday every year so i knew that i had to go and not only that, i had to be a stellar mascot for her party. We were putting away halloween costumes a week ago and my dad handed me this white crunchy suit and i actually told him i would never wear it unless i wanted to pretend i was on a hazmat team( OK, it would've been a little funny after the mercury scare at MBHS)but the night before the party i was looking at my old drawings and BOOM Astronaut. really? how was that not the first thing i thought of? so i took the suit, 3 rolls of electric tape, my dads old white BMX helmet and sharpies and got to work. after 3 hours and a lot of moon walking practice i finished my space suit. i forget that when i actually dedicate my time im in love with what i create!
The day of the party megan comes over and dresses as an illegal alien and i put on my suit for her and we just laugh as i pretend to sit down because i cant bend my body into anything less than 130 degrees so i flop around on the bed asking "is this seat taken?" and then attempt to sit and fail, rolling off the bed. then she starts talking about how i think snow angels are dumb, so i pretend to do one, dumbly, and open my legs really wide and i hear this horrible ripping noise. i look down and i tore the entire crotch out of my suit. NOW I CAN NEVER GO TO SPACE! this was the moment in my life that i remember was my first real laughsohardbecausethisisfunnyasshitbutyoujustworkedsohardandnowallnightyouwillhear"easyaccessjokes"soitsoktocrybutpretenditsfromlaughingextremelyhard moments. it was a mixed blessing. now i got air flow to my legs so i wasnt going to faint in the party which was lovely. but i had forgotten that to get to the party i had to sit. in a car.at a 90 degree angle.marstits. so when i sat there were two more loud sssshpppppfffssss noises for a rip under each buttock. peachy. but annelise was really happy that i had dressed up even though i was getting all weathered and we hadnt even left PB yet.
we drove up and when we went in mele gave us a tour and there was an empty room with black light and what felt like 100s of glow in the dark stars! onother room had silver streams in a circle shape that made people fall into its gravitational pull and yell "beam me up SCOTTY!" its kind of weird having attention on you when your anonymous i felt like i could act completely mental but there were too many people who knew it was me and it was bound to get hot in there so i had to take the helmet off( that became the token peice of the party! people would trade it, smack their friend in the head real hard,make funny gestures trying to drink beer, do the floating stance/robot then pass it off to another couple guys etc.etc. This kid patrick did this chain of reactions when i was next to him but added 2 more steps 1)start yelling at us in tongues 2) snap my American flag pole in half then run away screaming. this was the first hate crime ever commited on an astronaut. some more stuff happened, floated around, peopple giggled, i hung out with mitch and brian and we stuck pin the tail on the donkey stickers on everyones asses, more people giggled.
The Watoosies played. I got stuck with a drunk ass bitch (dab) who wanted to share a cab to pb so i said yes whatever, she looked reliable. she gets wasted. she gets full of vomit and tries to put it everywher and when they ask who is her friend she points to me spacy girl. FUCK. itd be fine if she : was a friend, knew her address, knew her name. so megan and i had to tell abdul that she wouldnt blow chunks all overs his fancy cab. since i lost $20 in another attempt to get home(flat tire) i only had enough to get to brueggers. wed passed dabs house but she couldnt physically walk. we asked for her moms number and she gave us hers then got really excited when her phone would ring she got excited, not realizing. her mom came to pick her up and thankfully gave us a ride home the extra 7 blocks at 3am. 
live long and prosper, just say no to 4loko.
1 comment:
i can't even tell you how much I loved this post
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