PAUSE. REWIND! We started the night with a Mr. jerry and got to the parking lot and met up with Kelly. I have never seen so many trucks and sexy men in my life! i was starting to get pulled into her fantasy with military muscle men and their all-American Fords and straw chewin, bud chuggin lifestyle. At this point megan hadnt eaten but we kept taking shots and doing our classy thing in the parking lot. 
So then it was time to go in so megan starts bolting! as soon as we get past the gate she is GOOOONE. she sprinted to the stageleapfrogging over security guards into VIP tables and such. I find her again and she pulls me like a mom bragging her kid real fast out of the toystore. shes on a mission to get to the grass but once se get there we just get yelled at by angry hicks and megan starts losing it, at this point i dont even think she knows what the word balance means. She was rolling on peoples blankets, rolling down the hill, falling over lawn chairs into peoples laps. We pushed up to the top edge of the grass and i had her sit down to watch the energizer bunny beat that damn drum until she fell off a little cliff...
going, going, going... gone. She rest for a second and i sat there clicking my cowboy boots together when this girl comes up to me and gets in my face, "Are you trying to make a move on my boyfriend?" i was soooo lost so i obviously said i didnt know what she was talking about, then she went into how my boot was touching his leg and it escalated into her threatening me. She was planning on actually fighting me. i just looked up at her and said (total bad ass moment) " bitch, do you want me to stand up and kick your ass? wait and see how big i am, wait.and see." I was so distracted that when i turned around nuche was having her pulse checked my 2 security guards. uh oh. bad news bears. We had been in the concert for 10 minutes and hadnt even seen brad paisley yet by the time we were being dragged(literally for her) to the exit. they slapped her around and asked her mundane questions and asked where our ride was. the only problem that the girl who drove us there couldnt pick us up for another 2 hours sooooooooo Ambulance time! am i supposed to say how excited i was? SO EXCITED. after they hooked nuche up to tubes like she should be in geriatrics and a own respirator. want to see a picture?ofcourse i took one because im a good friend.
I got to ride in the front with the sexual EMT guy. I realized that he is an infinite hero, saving lives every day like that. BOOM sexy points are overflowing. We get to the hospital and i explain her story and give all the info i can. Called my mom out of reflex and she calmed me down. The way im typing it right now may not seem scary, but once youre in that position its hard to relax until you know that your friend can be fixed. and she was but it took her 8 hours. In these 8 hours i felt like i was on scrubs cracking jokes and making friends with the securityguard and front desk man, i even made friends with a couple who also came from the concert. This lady drought her husband because he was on some kind of drug, speaking in tongues and going crosseyed. Everything was frighteningly hysterical. For example: the nurses for some reason dont do bed pans? so i was forcefully handed one and told to "relieve my friend". At this point she can barely pull her head off the pillow so i have to figure out a way to do this and not get pissed on. i failed. but i was drunk enough were i just kind of looked at her like " ohhahho yoooou! dont worry i always pee all over myself and my friends, nothing to be ashamed of!"
after 8 hours she started rolling around and stuff so i figured it was time to go and her friend was there to pick us up. the only problem was she wasnt fully awake so the nurse asked me " does she respond to a certain nickname or something?" nuche was too obvious and i was too drunkenly clever to let this pass me by. " she only answers to Buttsex." "really?" yep really really. so there i am with watching this nurse shake the shit out of her yelling buttsex in her ear. Definately going in my top 10 funniest memories hahaha.
They filled her with 3 fluid bags to hydrate her and they said her blood alcohol content was .460, which for her body weight is lethal and she should have been dead, so luckily we were dragged out of the concert because I dont think i could live in a world with no nuche. Glad youre alive, thanks for the memories and HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY:)
1 comment:
is it bad that I am laughing out loud reading this? I absolutely love how you can turn a fucking scary situation into a sitcom. Glad she was okay!
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