twist my balloons?

My friend Karinas in the business of painting faces, so that means I'm also in the business of painting faces and attending elaborate children's parties, eat all their food, and take their favors. Themed parties are the best! Especially when the theme is something i can easily draw. The Strangest requests? "uhhh, can i be a, a, ZOMBIE COWBOY!" or Optimus Prime, a taco, rainbow tiger, or a regular guy and then they just turn around.

 We got some sexai Giraffes.

 forshadowing?

Then we head back to Karinas house in Hayward. Her dad got a Bouncy house out of his warehouse for us and we jumped away to dub step and then got over in in 20 minutes. TIME TO DRINK!

 The game escalated quickly.

 Too quickly.... and I thought it was impossible for me to become uncomfortable. NOPE. Thats all I have to say about that.... because I know you're the only one who reads this shit KARINA.

Moral of the story: Don't play Nasty Jenga with a handle of Gin with your overly horny and emotional best friend.

the devils holiday

I spent my Christmas eve at work on the Pier and then made my way to Matts house in Oakland and hung out in a hipster basement cave full of Satanists in Santa hats. There was a ring around the moon, and i hadn't eaten a thing all day and all there was at the party was blunts, pabst and soup. One spastic kid put on what I'm pretty sure was a soundtrack to murder, then he flew over the couch like a bat out of basement Hell and started saying how he attended the church of Satan. ha ha very funny. HE HAD A MEMBERSHIP CARD. His friend then shows me his satanic tattoos and they sing the song that sounds like foreign tongues getting burned and I....... Faint. alright i get how this sounds hokey, but i did just have a lot of smoke in my empty belly and when i saw the ring around the moon i got such an eery sensation. I felt like a witch and i knew something bad was gonna happen. Not gonna lie i think I'm going to get shot/kidnapped every time I'm in Oakland. I shook off my embarrassment, went back to matts house to eat pizza, play with kittens and watch Pulp Fiction for the first time. Merry FUCKING CHRISTMAS.

Home is oh so sweet

I took a little time off from slanging chowdah (soup, not cocaine GUYS) to go back PB and pretend like I'm a celebrity again. FABULOUUUUUUSSS. but really, in San francisco my friend group is in the 10-20 range with outer circles of acquaintances and coworkers. At home theres my entire lives collection of friends and just not enough moments in the day to have all the stoner conversations that I need.

The first day back I went to In n out with my mom then walked the dog to gelato bus stop and rubbed my ass on the window to get Brooks attention and it DID! and we screamed and danced and then she had to scoop de loop for some SDSU poops so I walked to Good Time  Charlies and saw the whole gang. Customers were getting up from their tables and hugging me and all the old foagies were still clinging to the bar for their lives and a drink. I had a couple of beers and talked with some about my grandpas passing and they gave their condolences. I then dragged abby to Chelseas empty house then found her over at Matty Mos in a blazed daze. Then I headed back home and mom called my aunt and cousin so i could surprise them. she told my cousin brandon there was a present for him in the oven  then i popped out and grabbed his ankles and he just kept walking to see what was in the oven. humph.

Now to wait for rachel and dad to arrive from their Tucson drive. Mom said they'd be back around 6. They had no idea i was home 2 days early so I sat under the christmas tree with a fat red bow on me and the video camera prepped. Now we wait. and wait...... and wait. maybe ill just turn on the tv and then when i hear something ill just roll on the floor and army crawl under the tree. nah, the devil knows I'm not that fast. Ill just set up a bed under the tree with the remote and a bowl of baby twix. I do this surprise attempt a total of 5 times, all resulting in sad, sad videos of my ass crack crawling away from the camera and peeping through the window to see nothing. I text Rachel because i can't keep this up much longer and the dog is no help. After that long ass walk she's not budging. She replies that they stopped at the CASINO. THEYVE BEEN AT THE CASINO FOR THE PAST 3 HOURS. Every car door slam that i heard was a false alarm! So i had wasted a good 4 hours of anxiety and paranoia. SO, when they actually arrive Abby perks the fuck up, i turn on the camera, and they turn around and see me and we scream and spin for a very merry moment! until i realize i didn't turn on the camera and we had to reenact it. ha

The next day we went to Annes house, had poorboy and played with her 2 new kittens on her trampoline. Spent some time with my cousins. They have to be the most hysterical people i have in my life other than myself... They have this comedic timing I only wish i could master. We all practiced doing the worm with major failures and injuries, made a bunch of Cinemagrams and watched mitch play drums. with a rubber chicken. yes he's that good. baddum  ttchhhh

CHARLEE GIRL! Never a dull moment with tuna face. 

 I stopped by the PB Pub to say hi to some of my grandpas old friends. The bartender showed me that they had made him a santa hat Glitered to shit that read "fuck you you fuckin FUCK- Butch" precious. Im glad that attitude lives on.There was also a picture of the bartender and my grandpa. She told me a story about once he drove her to the airport and right as she got out he stuck his tongue down her throat. this made be gag and giggle. a little.

 Reunited and it feeeeeels so gooooooood!

Went out to breakfast with grandma carole and she was extremely enthusiastic about everything we said so that was refreshing. Has some benedicts at the Eggery and then to Seaport village where she tried to buy us christmas gifts at a hawaiian tourist shop with comic sans and repeat margaritaville motifs. That wasn't really my cup of tea so we went to the candle store next door where they carve personal candles. If you hold the candle up to a light it glows through the different levels of wax. I got a  candle with trees and a sunset. woo hoooo these little monsters are cuts off the drippings on the bottom.

We went back to her house and looked at more old pictures of my dad.

I feel like I'm writing a grocery list of all my stops when i just wish i could remember all the conversations and jokes that had me laugh/crying.

Lets play a little catch up shall we?

• The Giants won the World Series and i couldn't be more of a band wagon jumper. Everything was orange and black and people were hollering. i can't resist a good HOLLLAAA.

• I took a trip down to Stanford to see Rachel play Volleyball and that was nice. spent most of my time eating hot dogs and trying to get on the big screen. my life. nutshell. Then I spent the night at her hotel, gave her the desert sunset painting i made for her birthday, ate CPK, skyped with our cousins for a couple hours then watched her play Berkeley the next day. WOOPIE!

•  Went to the most bizarre Halloween party with Ximena. On the walk home I took a wrong turn. A gay jogger decided to guide me home and show me multiple pictures of his foofy white dog in giants clothes and insist i sleep on his couch. we were honestly HOLDING HANDS AND SKIPPING. we walked by this cholo party and he just asked if we could go in. that works for gay men too?  got a couple beers then tried to go home. I asked him how long he'd known he was gay. he said he was straight, got offended and i made an excuse so i could do my late night exercise where i pretend I'm being chased by a black man through golden gate. scratch that, its more of an exercise for my neck from thinking someones always on my heels. you know i don't run, bitch puh-leez.

• Went over to Oakland for Matts birthday. It went swimmingly. I met all his friends and enjoyed giving my well rehearsed small talk monologue and then going into personal questions like, "after 6 months in a relationship fetishes start to emerge, whats your fetish and what scares you?" Thank you zobmondooooo. It was nice to do something other than folding his delicates or talking berkeley politics. 

• Karina and I had a couple face painting jobs in southern San Francisco.  The first one had kids with accents and pizza. SCORE! we ended the job by painting imgonnarapeyourchild staches on. The whole car ride i was yelling at men like a man,"thats a sweet asssssss!" The second party was a gay couple whose daughter and best friend had the same birthday and matching necklaces with their picture on it. One wanted a rainbow tiger so they ALL wanted to be rainbow tigers. I drew one kid like optimus prime and all the hair toddlers wanted to be werewolves. fitting. They had a margarita machine and rainbow lollies. we grabbed some party favors and headed to the Young Scandanavian Halloween party! we dressed as sexual unicorns/prostitutes. It was the first time in a while i had worn heels and i forgot how good it feels when you enter a room and all eyes are on you. Not to mention i was in a corset and a tutu with my 6'4(6-7 with heels) matching unicorn. made out with a man that was named dave matthews dressed as Thor, then regretted making out with a man named dave matthews. Then there was some goon trying to get fresh with me and karina said she knew him and he screwed another friend over so while i was dancing i pick pocketed his phone without him even realizing and hid it behind the bar. that was a first, and a last. I saw one girl so drunk she hit her head on the curb and before i knew it i had her blood all over my hand from trying to cover her gash on her temple. Im not germaphobic in the least. i ran to the bathroom, washed my hands and went to do a vom chalant when karina actually charges into the door and crashes in a pile next to the toilet. we went back out and stole Thors hammer and I started saying that she MUST be the real Thor. we found a Romney mask and danced with binders of women then got a ride home with an M&M. 

• Went to Booties Halloween party and I dressed as Space. On the Muni we ran into 2 girls dressed as the improving duo Kat and Garth from SNL and they sang us a song about kit kate and cigarettes. nothing that crazy happened inside, other than the usual tranny shit show with lots of indian men in masks. Halloween must be a great night for them. Ximena and I are never drunk enough for that place. go.alley. bottle. NOW. When we went back in we were dancing on stage and this strong jawed woman starts grinding on me. "it's ME! its CHARLES!" it was menas guy friend dressed as Lana Del Rey and looked DAYUM GOOD. Then we left and found a bunch of Gay porno magazines in the street. The train was extremely stuffed and everyone was young and costumed, crevice to crevice. X and I hung pages from the pornos on the pull stings and got the bus to start singing Sir Mix A Lot.

• ANOTHER HALLOWEEN PARTY! shit I'm getting tired writing about it. On actual halloween we went to Castro to the Lookout and I dressed as when Pigs fly with a sky shirt and a flapping pig hat courtesy of jessica. It was raining so we headed home a little earlier and i met matt the karate kid at my house. good Halloween!

Turkey Day!

The night before we all met up at our favorite sushi place, Goemon. They're really close with the sushi man and we get faded off his jalapeño champagne that he calls his "pussy juice". he has all these drinks that he makes and then tapes naked ladies on the back of the bottle and we all hoot and holler and he does his toothless laugh. The backyard had a little koi pond where you can smoke and we all sat out there asking each other what the each others favorite dance move was and to demonstrate the dance you do when you're ecstatic.
My first thanksgiving on my own was a success! Sonya and I rearranged our house to have the festivities here with her coworkers and siblings. Everyone had their assigned food, I made cranberry sauce. I would have opted to just buy 10 of the jello canned ones, da  best ones, but that'd be a cop out and making the real stuff was surprisingly easy: berries, juice, sugah, ZEST. I also attempted carmel corn 3 TIMES! i never make the kernel kind and it kept burning. Sonya Stewart comes over like Alton Brown and explains that you put one lone kernel,wait for the pop and then you pour em all in. AHMAZING!

My family had a broken thanksgiving on Tuesday since were all around the states. Mitchell and brandon joked about suicide at the table on account of the Rhoades sisters absence and that made me smile. Then i get a text from Mitch saying "heard about tony, I'm really sorry. I was listening to Enya at the time. "..... What?
On the morning of I woke up, watched the parade and called family. Mom was in New York AT the parade, sis was in Oregon flying back to Pheonix for a game. and dad was at home doing nothing except forgetting to tell me MY CAT WAS FUCKING DEAD. I'm 22. I understand that you don't need to give me the fluffed up "he went to kitty heaven meow meow" story, but i would have MUCH preferred that compared to the gory facts that are burned in my head now.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ( be weary):
Tony was sitting on the bathroom sink watching my friends dad take a piss and he started contorting and spasming, hacking up blood and then fell off the counter. yup fucking great.

After everyone showed we decided to take a walk in golden gate park for some soccer with some volleyball on the side. When we got back we had enough time to drink about 3 more glasses of mulled wine and 2 mojitos and 1 trip to the roof before the turkey was cooked. Everyone sat around the table like scavengers, just picking at green fans at ripping at loaves of bread until the grand unveil.

As we sat we all went around and said what we were most thankful for. Family, friends, alcohol and opposable thumbs were the top rated answers. A meal that took 6+ hours was finished by 15 in 10 minutes. The boys had played triscuit and then scattergories! things like "ildos,d" for a toy that starts with I and fighting over if dingleberries are actually "sticky" or if they're just stuck. no round was complete without a poop joke. After some apple pie and coffee (and much more mulled wine)